Thursday, June 23, 2022

Time for another journey (farewell) ๐Ÿ˜œ

Delhi

The time is upon me now, it’s time to depart from the place which have so much memories, which cannot be repeated, but trust me it would be remembered in my whole life and this time I don’t have any clue I will return back to this place any sooner. Deep inside, I could feel my heart is heavy with crying voice, are you sure you are ready for this. Yet I still follow my ambiguous path, to wherever it might lead to. May be to something new, challenging and strangely more inviting or perhaps not.
Happiness is that, I chase and hope to find someday what’s my goal is. I’m sure, there’s always another way. Sometimes I wonder what it is like to be free. It was rightly said, you wake up each morning and you have in your purse all hours of life. It is yours. No one can take it from you. You cannot get into debt; you cannot draw on the future. You can only spend the passing moment. You cannot waste tomorrow.  It is kept you for you. We shall never have any more time. We have and we have always had, all the time there is at any given moment. Spend it well.
Life can lead in many ways, often now undesired; fate can deal a cruel hand sometimes. Finding what we wanted is difficult thing sometimes left without thought, but the time it takes and years they fly. I’ sure it can’t bought. So need to be carefully re-designing path you want to proceed.
As of now, raised to myself be true, I began to live the dream I drew. Many thought I had conceived, brought me to fight for what I believed was, right to stand. Do not judge me by my what I say, or what I look like, I surely accept that I can’t express what I feel and want to do to other, but try to look down deep into my soul, it’s pure. You wouldn’t believe, such a person do ever exist in this world. There you will see who I am. I would love to treat different people differently, still continuously learning what could be right for the particular person. I am different than what most of you might think of. If being different is, what is wrong; I would rather not be right. People’s view of my actions is clouded by their past attachments. There is many a time, they seem to read my mind but in the end, they cannot know what I intend. With this, I came to know that words that are needed to be spoken shouldn’t be accumulate inside; sorrow and anger can be and will be suppressed but this only leads to a person feeling depressed. Any way hope to be in good place, I feel sorry to them, with whom I could not schedule my time. But promise to meet at some point of time. Be positive and be sure, we will meet again. Some already departed away from my journey of life, wishes a successful journey for them too.  Love all. Thank you for being beautiful chapter of my journey.

Friday, June 17, 2022

I lose THE One, "T.T.

Is it wrong to miss that Friend, when there’s only few selected one’s around to support you? It’s obvious that you miss the one you trust the most, isn’t it? Or am I wrong? We are humans; we have emotions, feelings, and make mistakes, hurt.., why? Coz we are close to each other, we had good/bad times together, we knew each other up to some extent, and trust supports each other. If someone’s stranger to me, why should I care about them? LOL.

I believe friendship is when there is someone who always there for you no matter what happens to you. I just tried to be one like that with some of my friends. Buy they only thought through their perspective. I know they were not there when I needed them the most, that’s ok. But I did try my best, never deny whenever they needed my presence, support because I believe that friendship is to be with the person whatever the situation is and having that special bond with someone, someone you can trust and confide in, someone that make you believe in yourself, someone you wish to see every day, someone that aspires to bring the best of you.
These are the feelings, emotions, love, care developed out of our time together. Won’t there be love, care, feelings, affections,, emotions in friendship….??? Is friendship possible without these? No, right! Then why I was always questioned in this matter? I had experienced three relationship failures till date. All were my true friend. Today we are well known strangers. I missed them even today. I know the value of friendship. Whatever I did, I do, will do is friendship wale love not like fucking relation kind of love. Why do they have doubt about me? Don’t misunderstand me.  Sometimes if such relationship kind of feelings develops also, I would probably share through notes and ride it off away from mind. Some thoughts are better left untold than to ruin THE friendship. I did my best not to let her know evenif such feelings came across my mind/heart. I know the value of friendship, I knew she will definitely gonna hurt. I did everything not to let her know and get hurt because I do care for her, love her &   protect her from getting hurt. I share these thoughts through writing to make myself relax and chill, not to gain someone’s attention. It’s my way to make relief from heavy heart and loads of thoughts running through my head.
In life we never lose friends, we only learn to know who are true for you and who are not; sometimes distance let you know who is worth keeping and who does not deserve to be with you. If someone has to leave you, they will leave you anyway, even a small reason is enough to create misunderstanding and depart from each other. In life there’s comes a time when we have to stop caring for someone who doesn’t understand from your point of view. Today I am not in a position to understand why she text me such message. May be she was hurt in some point of time because of me. I’m happy for her anyway. It feels very bad to lose good friend and it’s even feel more badly to see them happy without me sometimes. And I am sad, I did lose the one this afternoon. I knew such day will come one day surely. I am sad, not sad enough to cry inside or drop tears from eyes. I had prepared self for this day from long time back, since the first time she told me, “ I don’t trust you anymore”  I can’t explain the same thing again and again. I do have feelings but I know value of friendship is important. I believe I should not ruin the friendship coz of what is not possible in future. 
Now I wish to walk away from all the drama and the people who are creating it. I understand she was a beautiful chapter on my life and now I have to turn pages. She was like my cup of tea on friendship but I am forced to prefer champagne coz her though towards me. But I am sure, no negative thoughts arise in my mind regarding this, just want to wish her successful life ahead. Shocking part she even did not thank for her birthday wish. Little regretful๐Ÿ˜”. Regardless, She was/is good friend of mine, I fully trust her that she had made right decision. I'm not disappoint that I support her for this, I’m actually happy for her. 
I believe it was one way of focusing on her life and leaving behind what bothers her the most. 
How it was so easy for someone to throw you out of their life?  I felt like I was left behind coz I am of no use any more.

๐Ÿ’ฅShe pretends not to know or whatever, she's not only the girl available in this world. I don't understand what's going on her mind about me. I do have feelings, but its not necessary to be in relationship.  I dont like childish behaviour on this. I don't think its need to explain again & again. I am manture enough to understand whats right or wrong. Fucking conservative minded. 

 Breaking down her last message 

"I dnt know what runs into your head but for me I was always clear about what we were.It was pure friendship,respect care and trust.Whatever I did for you or times we spent together was friendship. " she was clear that's friendship,  did I ever tried crossing limits? No, I am  sure i did never crossed limits beyond friendship. Infactution might have developed sometimes, for this  I used to write what I feel in notes, its like missing her but never explain I want to be in relationship with her, love her and want to be only with her. That would  be against my  dignity towards friendship. But she did cross limit once, she should have sorry for that. Even if I have to touch her sometimes, I would think few times, if this was wrong, she might think it wrong, I always created space. I never forced her for anything. Respect, care that was OK but I could never gain her trust back since the Instagram incident, regretted that I was also indirectly became part of her breakup period. It was not intentional, but she never believes me.  

"Peole started spreading rumour,so I asked you many times is there any other feeling?You denied and kept of behaving my good friend that I trusted with all my heart. Rumour? And she believed and she dropped connections with me countless times, she was so unsure about self. About feeling, let me clear this, we have good/bad times together, its obvious we will have feelings for each other. If no any feelings for each other then how will friendship will last. Only think we need to know is our limits. I was her good friend & always behave likewise and forever will be if she is willing, if she could not maintain what she said what's the use of friendship, care, love trust... I explained what's my feeling was, it would never be more than that. I don't think it needed to be explained again and again.

I cannot prove but I know somewhere you have invade my privacy without my knowledge.You have gone through my phone or may be hacked it.I didnot and I will never ask cause you will never accept it. I am surprised how could she easily tell me that I had invade her privacy without her knowledge. It was all open in front of her. I have gone through her phone in presence of her, seriously why did she think I hacked your phone? Nothing have to be proved, because I never did it. At this moment I felt like, she just wanted a break from me. I am not a hacker to hack, I just stalked sometimes that's it. I even feel afraid to go through her profile and stalked, coz I know she don't  it & might get hurt also.

Whatsapp last messages before text

[4/22, 4:02 AM] me: Just feel Like 2 text u whc i usually dont hope u are fine.

[4/25, 3:58 AM] her : ?

[4/25, 4:00 AM] her : Have you gone crazy?

[4/25, 6:04 AM] me : K crazy ho. Testo k bhanexa ra crazy wala. Jabo fine xa xaina yeti bhanna ni garo. Kahile kai strange feel bhako bhayera po sodekota Tei mathi reply dinxa 1 barsa pachi. Bas pathudina kei aba dhukka hou. Chill

I don't think I sent any different sense messages. We never chat after that and on 17 June I thought I would surprise her with gift but I was surprised with her msg.  

Me: Share the OTP-851490 with the recipient for successful delivery of your order.            Her: Fuck You Me:๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค” what for. thank you & welcome anyway.  Chill dude. Have good time. Her:Who are you. Her: OH.it's you.I thought it was scam. Her: You scared me.I didnot need it.Rather than sending gifts,it would have been better to be faithful one and long text which I am explaining now.  

Really she didn't know my number or just pretending,  doubt coz its been just 20 days we didn't talk. If She  had  replied  earlier in WhatsApp msg that she want a break from me I would have never planned for 18th so I wouldn't have felt embarrassed.  

"""After all those memories you have just given me headache and fear to never trust anyone.If possible erase me and my memories which i did of yours.Thank you for everything but lets put stop here" if she had told me earlier I would have accept in good manner. Its not the first time she did this. I never started and never ended anything. She actually does what she like to and i let her coz i love to enjoy beautiful time whether fighting or passing time together. And she's always welcomed for this coz I always in a safe zone being in friendship with her.  No offence. Anyway best wishes always from me for my friend for future. I know that will gonna be our last conversation, still trust her and support her decision and always owes her beautiful memories, encouragememt to share, positive thoughts, morale support. And I have always respected her & will always have respect for her.   

Life goes on, just chill and enjoy with no regrets. Go with the flow๐Ÿ˜†

Have your thought on this via mail? Or whatapp me +994404533528 I will explain mine later

"I dnt know what runs into your head but for me I was always clear about what we were.It was pure friendship,respect care and trust.Whatever I did for you or times we spent together was friendship.Peole started spreading rumour,so I asked you many times is there any other feeling?You denied and kept of behaving my good friend that I trusted with all my heart.I cannot prove but I know somewhere you have invade my privacy without my knowledge.You have gone through my phone or may be hacked it.I didnot and I will never ask cause you will never accept it.But I know.After all those memories you have just given me headache and fear to never trust anyone.If possible erase me and my memories which i did of yours.Thank you for everything but lets put stop here"
Soon

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Apology

How do I tell you I'm sorry -
How is it I never realized
I hurt you so very much?
With a gesture, a look, a touch?

I do not ask forgiveness,
A comfort I'll never deserve.
I merely want to let you know,
But I cannot find the nerve.

To finally confront you, face-to-face,
To look you in the eye,
To face your wrath, your apathy -
Too terrified to try.

You called me selfish, I turned away,
I festered and I fled;
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,
Just to see if you bled.

Betraying and deceiving you,
I surely had no right
To snatch away such a precious gem;
A dark thief in the night.

Four years and forever passed
To bring us to this day,
When I present these simple words
I never thought to say.

The time has come, it's long past due,
To put aside my fear;
Would this confession torture you,
Or have you longed to hear?

To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.

The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me wise;
I do know I erred irrevocably -
For that I apologize.